Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 
Did I Mention I'm Not Wearing...Pants?

I have just discovered that Friday, May 2nd, was unofficially No Pants Day.

And I missed it. This disturbs me greatly.

Somehow, things went horribly awry, and I spent my entire day girding my loins and legs with pants. While I'm not one to really care a lot for holidays like Valentine's Day, Halloween, I-Sat-Next-To-You-On-The-Bus Day, and so forth, this would be one I'd show my support for.

Not to mention that No Pants Day was celebrated again on May 7th, and I was unawares of that too.

To make up for this, sometime next week I shall celebrate a belated No Pants Day of my own.

Many of you reading this can feel free to scream in terror and make horrified comments like, "My eyes! My bleeding eyes!" Though odds are my fiancee will be delighted of my no-pants status, and quite probably help remove them...and keep them off.

I suppose it's just as well I hadn't celebrated No Pants Day on May 2nd. I somehow doubt I would have made it past the theatre lobby for a matinee of X-Men 2. Though there might be the odd chance of claiming my giraffe boxers were in fact, a pair of ultra-ventilation shorts.

Today's Lesson: www.nopantsday.com/


posted by Phillip at 6:15 PM

 
Soilent Kibble

I enjoy spoiling the 3 Shih-tzu puppies in the house rotten when no one is looking. Since I tend to be the one who disciplines them the most (superceded only by my Dad), I like to balance it out by pampering them for no reason when the opportunity arises. Often the means involve something called "People Crackers", which are doggy treats made to resemble people. I suppose someone found it amusing and a tad bit ironic to have dogs devouring small, edible effigies of people in the professions that tend to be their natural enemies: dog catchers, doctors, postal workers, and so forth.

Currently the box of People Crackers that's opened is filled with broken people. I've purchased half a dozen boxes in the past, and this is the first one where I've seen so many of the treats broken into small pieces. I feel as if I'm that lucky guy who won the magical "miscellany crumbs" box. The only real advantage is that I can divide the treats out into much smaller portions, and the dogs remain oblivious, since they're just happy to be eating.

I do, however find it rather macabre to now be serving to my puppies the tasty, edible body parts of their natural enemies. A lower torso here, a head there, a chest now and again. It's unnerving, since I now refer to this box of treats as "Torso Crackers." I half expect to make slurping noise like Hannibal Lector within the next few days. Which will probably scare the puppies, but they still won't leave without having eaten their assortment of liver-tasting limbs.

Even puppies have to have priorities.

Today's Lesson: People Crackers are not, in fact, made from people.


posted by Phillip at 4:47 PM

 
Based on a true story

Last night a telemarketer from AT&T wireless decided that we were a good family to start harassing. After 2 already thwarted attempts within an hour to contact my Dad, I happened to pick up the phone. The following conversation is more or less word-for-word:

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Mr. Smith there?"

Me: "Um...let me check. [insert me just standing around, my hand over the receiver for a few seconds] Nope, doesn't look like he's here right now."

Telemarketer: "All right, I'll try again later. By the way, is this Mrs. Smith?"

And once again, the fragile security about my masculinity has been undermined. Now I've been mistaken for sounding gay before. Hell, I can deliberately sound gay ("Fabulooouuus!") for a larf. But despite all that, I'd like to think that I don't sound like a woman. I'm pretty sure my voice is deep enough of a baritone or bass that it is recognizeably different from the average woman's voice.

I was sorely tempted at this point in time in the conversation to retort, "Do I fucking sound like a woman, dumbass?" or maybe even "Would you like me to be, big boy?", but the shock was still registering so all I could manage was a very acerbic, deadpan "No" before hanging up the phone.

Today's Lesson: Every time I start rebuilding my faith that humanity is actually growing a brain, something like this comes along...


posted by Phillip at 8:42 AM

 
Shhhhhhhhh...

Last week was a busy week, and the weekend proved no less hectic. Today has been the first day where I can sit back and breathe easy, knowing I have no more looming worries or pressing deadlines. It's also letting me realise how much I appreciate silence. This isn't as much quiet, like a library would be, as it is the overall sense of serenity. When everything in life around you just seems to slow down to a point where noise becomes silence, it's surprisingly relaxing. One could almost liken it to a Zen moment, but I think that's almost trivializing a remark, since most people have only a vague concept of what Zen is.

The world's always in motion, yes, but the Norht American societies as a whole have been spinning faster and faster with each passing year. Motorists are far exceeding the speed limit, and getting annoyed at someone who's actually obeying the speed laws. There's always a cacophany of noise on street corners with pedestrians, vendors, street performs, cars, and large billboard ads. Even in most houses, there's someone watching television or listening to music or playing video games at almost any given moment.

There's always noise.

I'm beginning to think that silence is fast becoming akin to an endangered species. At least it's running the risk of becoming one in my current situation. Sadly I can't change it yet, not without proper means and finances, but once the opportunity arises, I do hope to have at least a few hours a day where everything around me is as silent as possible. Not an awkward silence, or a strained, obligatory silence akin to library atmospheres, but a serene quiet where everything is still and peaceful.

I think if more people took the time in their lives to have moments like these, we'd all be less tense and less prone to snapping at each other. It's a bit of a pipe dream--a chasing after a chimera, if you will--but it's a thought.

In other news, I apparently bear a resemblance to Frankie Muniz (Malcom in the Middle, Agent Cody Banks). Or else maybe his older brother. Or maybe one of his stand-ins. Something along those lines, I suppose. This may be as close a brush as I get with stardom; I wonder if I should be more overjoyed and egotistical about it?

Naaaaaaaah.


posted by Phillip at 9:42 AM